“The first insight from the science of happiness is that people overestimate the role of success in their own happiness. The joy of a big promotion, marriage, or a first child is relatively short-lived. It is not a big win that brings happiness. Rather, it’s the small things in life, like having a coffee with your best friend every day, that build long-term happiness. Happiness is the frequency, not the intensity, of positive events.”
Shigehiro Oishi, PhD
I’m currently reading the book Life in Three Dimensions: How Curiosity, Exploration, and Experience Make a Fuller, Better Life, and I instantly marked, flagged, and highlighted this passage from the author, Shigehiro Oishi.
It rings true for recent experiences in my life. This year, specifically, I gained a new appreciation for daily “wins” and the emotions and transformations that come from daily life and dedication to the process, as opposed to the “finish line.”
Case in point, I spent seven months training for a Rim-to-Rim hike of the Grand Canyon. The trek, which spans from the South Rim to the North Rim of the national park, was a group adventure organized by performance and wellness coaches Craig Spear and Tommy Geary, and comprised of men (primarily in their 40s) from across the country. Training not only included numerous endurance and elevation hikes (of which I accomplished in four states - Ohio, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia) but also education in physical, mental, and nutritional fitness. On top of that, I developed new habits, including a strict bedtime routine, rising early for workouts, abstaining from alcohol for the final three months of training, and reading every day (A Walk in the Park is worth your time).
But, as with any plan, it didn’t go according to plan. Wildfires closed the North Rim of the Canyon, and a government shutdown threatened to complicate the trip. So, we pivoted. Focusing on factors that we controlled, we adjusted Rim-to-Rim to Rim-to-River, descending the Bright Angel Trail to the Colorado River, then back up. Does it have the same cache? Does it put us in the category of folks who completed R2R? No. But who cares? We still began our hike before dawn (around 3 am). We still did what we set out to do: transform ourselves.
Final tally:
8 hours and 10 mins of hiking, 17 miles (roughly), and 4,500ft of elevation (again, rough numbers). A physical feat accompanied by meaningful conversations and connections with 14 other men. (Look at all of the smiles in this picture!)
This accomplishment was a monumental and moving achievement, and one that triggered thoughtful reflection. Reflection, not only on the efforts and sacrifices I made this year to finish the hike, but also a reflection on my entire life. Reflection on my journey. Reflection on a new definition of a “win.”
For the past two years, I chose a “word for the year.” I aspire to define it within the span of 12 months. In 2025, I chose “IDENTITY” as my word.
Who am I right now? Who do I want to become? Through the book, Atomic Habits, I learned about identity-based habits and how a transformation of any kind begins by simply changing your thoughts. Below is a passage from the book, written by James Clear.
“Outcomes are about what you get.
Processes are about what you do.
Identity is about what you believe.
When it comes to building habits that last—when it comes to building a system of 1 percent improvements—the problem is not that one level is “better” or “worse” than another. All levels of change are useful in their own way. The problem is the direction of change.
Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become.”
For as long as I can remember, I was a curious person. But curiosity only took me so far. I was afraid to act on curiosities. Afraid to challenge myself. Afraid to put in an all-out effort. If I am being honest, for much of my life, I let my doubts and insecurities hold me back. I WANTED to discover more in this world. I WANTED to discover more in myself.
This year. I finally did.
I journal daily (it’s something I have done for the past five years, and it’s something I learned from my friend and life coach, the previously-mentioned Tommy Geary). In my journal entries, I jotted down the potential identities and the actions I would need to achieve that identity. As a base, I simply wrote:
Be kind. Work hard. Be professional. Be personable, Fuck up. Make mistakes. Try again.
I concluded that I am building an identity for right now. Not forever. If this IS who I am forever, then so be it, but I’m remaining in the present and pulling from my daily thoughts, desires, emotions, and actions.
This year was primarily about discovery and exploring new avenues within and without. I came to the conclusion that…“I am an Explorer.”
An “explorer,” in my definition, is a hiker, a runner, an athlete, a thinker, a reader, a sponge for knowledge, all rolled up into one.
In the past few years, I scaled a building and climbed a Grandfather Redwood Tree, and I accomplished the Rim-to-River hike. Not bad for a person who, as a child, wouldn’t cross a shallow stream because a “log started to roll.” But that child, while fearful of challenges and the unknown, was an exuberant soul. He was a dreamer. Physically, he wasn’t much of an “explorer,” but internally, he explored his mind. He explored his passions for humor, sports, sports statistics, video games, eating, eating in large quantities, and pop culture.
Timmy, like many children, had a playfulness. A playfulness that, as an adult (and similar to other adults, I’m sure), I lost along the way. As responsibilities added up. As life got hard. Timmy faded, and I even developed a resentment towards him. I would blame him and shame him for any insecurities or misgivings I had in my current self. I would accept the worst qualities of him and disregard the best. “Of course, this would happen to me,” became a common thought any time life didn’t go the way I desired.
Throughout these recent journeys of self-discovery, however, I learned that my attitude, my actions, and my entire view of myself are within my control. Meditation, renewed curiosity in reading (ACTUAL books!), connections with nature, and leaning into the idea that discomfort leads to growth, led me to embrace my younger self.
The truth is, the best parts of the adult me come from Timmy. The truly authentic, genuine, joyful, passionate, empathetic, compassionate, and real version of me I owe to him.
Timmy is the heart that pumps the blood that keeps this soon-to-be 43-year-old man moving.
The biggest “win” of my life (so far) is the appreciation, perspective, and love I gained for myself and those small moments of connection in life (be it with myself, my dogs, another human, or the world around me).
I will fail again. I will have doubts. I will take a step back. But my growth continues. I continue to progress and put in work, not to achieve a goal or conquer another canyon, or tree, or building, or mountain, or moon (ok, let’s not get carried away), but to define and redefine myself for the daily journey. A journey that is a “win” itself. Every day, the answer to “who am I?” can be different.
And, in this moment. As I finish this article. For the first time in a while, I am a writer.
